IT
by Sophanna
Summary: Killian is trapped in Hell and forced to participate in the games the devil likes to play. He's forced to find whats real and whats not when the people he loves start showing up in unexpected places.


**_Enjoy!_**

* * *

 **PART 1**

Minutes seem like hours, hours seem like days, and days seem like years. Time passes differently here, or at least to Killian it feels like it does. There are agonizing stretches of silence that last for weeks, the quiet is numbing. Other times he can't turn the noise off. It grabs at him until he can't bare it anymore and he's looking for somewhere to escape, but he can't. He's destined to stay here forever, he can't leave because there's nowhere else to go. Not for him at least.

Sometimes Killian finds others but they're never around for long. The moment he feels he can trust them and hold on something _**It**_ starts to play tricks on him. Buildings change and streets disappear, everything is constantly moving but Killian can't help but feel motionless. He loses the people he manages to find and sometimes he loses himself. Sometimes things happen that he can't explain and he finds himself transported to other Realms. They're nothing like the ones he's visited before. _**It**_ tortures Killian. Plays with his mind and emotions. Recently Killians not sure if _**It's**_ had anything much to toy with. _**It**_ must get bored eventually. What will _**It**_ do when Killian becomes nothing but a shell, having been broken and beaten into nothingness. Surely it would move on, or at least Killian thought it would.

" _Emma!" He yells knowing it's pointless but it's become a force of habit. These visions always start the same. He's in Storybrooke but not the one he'd spent so much time redeeming himself. No, this is someplace else. This is the Underworlds version of Storybrooke,_ _**It's**_ _version, whoever_ _ **It**_ _is. It's the spirit that Killian finds lurking in every corner. A presence that he can't shake. Sometimes he can hear_ _ **It**_ _whisper but it's never loud enough for Killian to make out any words._

" _Killian!" She yells on cue. It's the same plea every time. One that makes Killian's heart shatter and crumble. It didn't at first. At first his heart leapt because he thought she was real. He thought he'd found her and she'd come to take him home. It wasn't till the end that he figured it out. Killian thought he'd felt pain before but that was something else. It was hope and belief being torn and dragged from him. After that he stopped trusting everything, it was foolish of him to do so to begin with._

" _Killian please." The second time she calls is always worse than the first. The second time is laced with tortured pain. It's vicious and desperate. It sounds like his Swan, but every time he forces himself to stay where he stands refusing every will in him to move toward her voice. He lasts a bit longer every time but this time he doesn't want to. This time he wants to see her, even if it really isn't her. He wants to hold her in his arms and be able to feel her against him. He wants to remember the warmth of her palm when it reaches for his cheek, but he can't. He wants to breath her in, the smell of lavender and the scent that can only be described as her, but he can't._

" _Killian!" The third is always a scream. It's the one that almost breaks him. It's filled with so much pain it's like he can feel it under his skin. It creeps up on him slowly moving down his spine until he can't handle it anymore. She's no longer calling his name, she screams until her voice is raw. This is when Killian breaks, this is when the thoughts that tear him up inside pool into his mind. What if it's her? What if this time it really is her and he's doing nothing but listen? This is when he tries to move but he physically can't. This is how_ _ **It**_ _plays with him._ _ **It**_ _lets him go when he wants to stay and forces him to stay when he so desperately wants to go._

 _The screams sting Killians ears as he tries to move his arms, his legs, and feet, but he can't. He's forced to listen, he can't move his hands to cover his ears, all he can do is break into little pieces with every noise she makes. It's not until he's exhausted from trying to move that he can. When he finally steps forward his body aches. Every muscle he has is crying for him to stop moving, but he won't. He needs to make sure it's not really her, he has to make sure every time even though it ends in pain. He tries to run but he can't, if he does he'll fall. He tries calling her name but his voice is raw from doing so before._

 _She's in a different place every time. This time Killian finds her in the clock tower at the highest level. Her screams have stopped but he can hear her whimpers while he climbs up the stairs, his heart pounding as he pushes himself, for her. She's strapped to a chair facing out toward the window. Her head is down and her hair covers her face. Killian doesn't need to see her to know she's crying. Her clothes are torn and she looks like she's been through hell, literally._

" _Emma." Killian's voice is hoarse. He kneels in front of her. When he see's her fingers twitch at the sound of his voice he takes a deep breath and places his hand on hers. He collapses into himself his head falling similar to hers. He can't feel her, the delicate touch he desperately aches for isn't there. Her skin is not warm or cold, it is simply nothing._

" _Killian." She whispers and he raises his head. His eyes meeting hers. They're never what he expects. They're not filled with the love and passion Killian remembers. A menacing look replaces her gracious features. Behind her eyes there is an empty void. Her hands break free from their restraints and excalibur has found its way into her possession._

 _Killian steps back in shock, stumbling to his feet. "Swan please." He pleads for her every time but the result is the same. She plunges the sword into his chest with a gruesome smile on her lips, one that doesn't belong to her. "Swan." Killian gasps, the pain coming back to him, it's fresh again. The way the sword felt when it was pulled from his body. The excruciating pain that washed over him when it happened the first time. When Emma was Emma again and the darkness had left her. The look in her eyes that haunts him every time he closes his own. Then it's over._

He jumps awake with a start, sweat covering his body. He always finds himself somewhere else whenever it happens. There's a stinging in his chest, but not where the sword cut through him for what probably wasn't the last time. It's from seeing her and hearing her, even if it wasn't the real her. Next time he'll last longer. He knows it's a lie, but it's one he has to tell himself for a reason he can't quite explain.

Killian stands from the concrete road and studies his surroundings. Where has he ended up this time? The smell of salt fills lungs and he recognizes the place immediately. He's at the docks. Of course his ship is nowhere in sight, that would be too much of a miracle. Killian wanders the area but doesn't wander far. He might not be home but the faint scent of the ocean is the first thing he's felt to being at some form of peace. As he savours the feeling he looks for a place to sleep. It's a pointless task because he knows he won't shut his eyes for a few days. After the episodes **It** so graciously provides Killian never wants to succumb to any kind of sleep again. Not wanting to risk being sucked into that world once again.

Killian finds himself a bench that looks to the horizon and sits down. His body thanking him when he realizes how much is muscles needed the break. At first he doesn't hear it but the second time he does, only to brush it off as a small gust of wind, but it becomes harder to ignore more he can hear it. It's the sound of someone's feet slapping against the pavement getting closer and closer. It's been so long since Killians run into someone he's not even sure what he'll do if he does again. The haze that covers the entire town makes it hard to pick out any movement in the distance. Then he see's it out of the corner of his eye. Killian spins to the side pulling a blade he'd found long ago from his belt pointing it at the person before him.

Emma looks at him with red eyes as she cautiously steps forward. "Killian?" Her voice is gentle, like he remembered.

"You're not real." He grinds the words through his teeth and the look on her face is heartbreaking. _She's not real… right?_

* * *

 **PART 2**

No no no no…" Killian chants to himself bringing his hands to his ears. Hearing her voice is hard. Especially after the trauma he'd just endured for what must have been the thirtieth time. Killian had been counting but he eventually stopped. It became pointless because it would have only served as a reminder of the terrors that haunt him day and night.

"It's not you. It's not you. It's never really you." Killian turns away from her tearful display. He can't look at her now. It's never happened like this before. At least he knew and understood when he was being played with, but this is entirely different. When he looks into her eyes there's something behind them. He's not looking at a puppet, he's looking at her- but it's not her, it can't be her. "GO AWAY!" Killian yells, still refusing to look at her. In the corner of Killian's eye he sees her move closer. He jumps back with his body shaking. She takes another step and he kneels to the ground, making himself smaller, maybe she won't see him what way. He must look pathetic.

"Killian it's me." She taunts him with a tone that sounds genuine and kneels down beside him. Killians body stills when her hand presses against his back and the sobs that he'd been heaving immediately stop. How can he feel her hand on his back, he should feel nothing. He shouldn't feel the pressure against his spine when she begins to draw small circles with the palm of her hand. When she leans into him pressing her forehead against his shoulder he shouldn't smell lavender, and his stomach shouldn't settle at the familiar closeness when she slides her other hand into his.

Desperate for her he leans into her touch but curses himself immediately "This is a trick. _**It**_ know's I've caught on! _**It's**_ stepping up Its game." Killian exclaims jumping back from the thing masquerading as Emma. He barely stays steady on his feet with his body still trembling. He must look delirious.

"Killian what are you talking about?" She stands and reaches for him desperately. "It's me! Emma Swan, the woman who loves you and went through Hell to find you!" She speaks her lies through tears that stream down her rosy cheeks, the colour looking out of place against their grim surroundings. She manages to catch his hand in hers but before he can pull away she's places it on her chest over her heart. "It's me! I'm alive and I'm with you." She brings her hand to his cheek, her thumb smoothing over the stubble on his jaw.

"No." His voice breaks as he tries to pull away but she won't let him go. "I don't know if I can go through it again." He sobs knowing it's pointless, because eventually he'll feel Excalibur pierce his skin and when he looks at her he'll see the nothingness that's become so familiar to him. He reaches for her long locks of hair, he missed it's golden glow when she was The Dark- when they were The Dark Ones. He tucks a strand behind her ear, his body aching to touch her more, to pull her into his grasp and feel her presence through every part of him. He wants to breath her in and remember this feeling that he hadn't realized he was beginning to forget. "I'm only making this more painful for me when it happens." Killians whispers as his finger traces her cheek bone and smooths over her lips. He's trying to remember this version of her, the one that's full of life.

"When what happens?" She whispers. It's obvious she's trying to be gentle with him, and for good reason.

"You feel so real."

"Killian, I am real." She searches his eyes for an explanation and he see's the gears in her mind begin to shift. "Killian have you been having visions of me?" She questions and Killian can practically see her heart break through the pained expression she gives him. He gives a short nod and in response both her hands cup his cheeks. He watches her eyes flicker to his lips and back up again. She slowly inches up toward him and he pulls away. He tries to remind himself this isn't real. "Trust me." She breaths then catches his mouth with her lips. He feels himself sink into her immediately. The motion of her moving against him provides a particular second where Killian forgets. He forgets that he should be pulling away and he forgets that this isn't what he thinks it is. The thing that scares him the most is how easy it is to forget, but he loves every minute. He desperately deepens the kiss, but the moment stays tender and loving. He wraps his arms around her waist pulling her into him, trying to find any possible way to get closer to her but he's not sure there is.

When she pulls away he follows her, keeping his arms around her waist. He never wants to let go of her again. "Follow me." She tells him and unwraps his good hand from around her pulling him to follow behind her. The distance between them is devastating but their hands in each others is enough of a reminder that this might be the real thing. He watches her intently, trying to find a glitch in _**It's**_ flawless portrayal of her. When she looks at him and squeezes his hand reassuringly he doesn't give her a smile in return. He ignores the tragic look on her face, his cruelty may hurt but he can't give in completely. Not yet.

They find Henry and David first. When Killian first see's them his chest lifts and he thinks he can almost smile but he catches himself and whispers that it's not real, as a reminder. Emma squeezes his hand. He hadn't meant for her to hear.

"Hook!" Henry yells and is rushing toward Killian. The kid runs into his arms wrapping the grown man into a protective hug. When he pulls away he looks up at Killian, though not by much as he's grown to be so tall, and gives him a grin. "We found you!"

"That's what this family does." David walks up behind Henry and holds the boy close to him giving Killian an encouraging smile.

Killian wants to believe in this, he wants to believe that there are really people out there that care enough to search through one of the darkest realms to find him. He wants to be believe he would matter that much to anyone. He looks at Emma and tries to hold back the tears that sting his eyes. "Is this real?"

"Yes." She tells him.

* * *

 **PART 3**

Alone and isolated. Those are words Killian had come to know quite well. There were times where he would go what felt like weeks without the visions. There were times that he felt desperate for them, so he could see another face. Of course once they came he wanted nothing more for them to go away. It was an endless loop, one that Killian doesn't miss. Three weeks have passed since his return, but Killian still finds himself constantly checking behind his shoulder, waiting for everything to vanish into dust. That would be the ultimate game wouldn't it. Let him finally find happiness only to have it torn from him.

Killian barely sleeps, when he does it's for no more than an hour. Even with Swan beside him in their home she'd claimed as hers while they were the Dark Ones he can't find himself at peace. He has nightmares and they're powerful enough for him to be woken from his short slumber by his own screams.

" _Is this real?"_

" _Yes." She tells him. The confidence in her voice radiating onto him. He should trust her, he knows he can. There's something that pulls him back, something is always pulling him back. Killian looks to David and Henry, they both give him a smile that says it's okay for him to be skeptical, they understand._

" _Henry?" Regina's voice comes from the distance, once she's closer he can see them all. Regina, Robin, Mary Margaret, David, Henry, and even Gold._

" _There's no shortage of people who want to help you." Emma echoes her mother's words that had been spoken to her when she'd first become The Dark One._ _ **It**_ _couldn't know that,_ _ **It**_ _couldn't know single sentences spoken by the people he cares for. There's no possible way._

" _It really is you?" Killian's voice is more desperate than he'd meant for it to be. He squeezes Emma's hand. She turns to him with red eyes, as she holds back her tears._

" _Of course it's me." Emma places her hand on his cheek, Killian leans into the gesture only to find something is missing. The feel of her flesh against his. The pressure when she wipes his tears away with her thumb. He doesn't feel it at all. The lavender spell gone, and when he looks to the rest of her family, they aren't there. Killian closes his eyes and curses loudly, he'd let this happen. He knew it would happen but he fell for it anyway. He prepares himself for what comes next. Killian looks into the eyes of the woman he loves and once again it is not her, but the shell of who she is. She's nothing but a puppet on strings held captive by it's master. Killian lets out a howl of pain when Excalibur is run through his body._

"Killian… shh, it's alright. I'm here with you. You're not alone." The faint echo of her voice drags him from his sleep. His hair is damp against his forehead and beads of sweat run down his chest. "Shh…" She breaths as she sits beside him pressing a cool cloth to his cheek.

Killian jumps from the bed, standing away from her as he pressing his body against the wall, distancing himself as much as he can. "Not real. Not real. Not real." His body shakes as he repeats those two words to himself. They begin to lose their meaning as he says them too many times and they get jumbled together. "You're not real!" He screams at her as she slowly stands from the bed. The only material covering her body is one of his shirts, an old one from long ago.

"Killian." She speaks gently. "You are in Storybrooke. You are in our home. You've been back from the Underworld for exactly three weeks." She says it like she's said it a million times before. She gradually moves toward him saying those three sentences over again until Killian stops trembling and his body begins to relax but his mind still screams for him to run.

"Emma?" Killian questions, his head beginning to hurt. Somethings not right.

"Yes." She whispers reaching for his hand. He doesn't pull away when she brings his good hand to her cheek and begins to outline her features with his fingers. "It's me. The real me."

"I'm home?" It's more of a question when Killian says it. The events of the past slowly coming back to him. He was in the underworld and Emma came to get him. He endured weeks of torture, or what felt like weeks. He relived the moment Emma Swan plunged Excalibur through his chest more times than he can count. It was his own hell. "I'm sorry." He breaths. This happens at least three times a week. He wakes from a dream forgetting the reality around him. Without fail Emma always manages to bring him back to her. Sometimes she uses her words and others she kisses him until he can't remember anything but the very moment they're in. "I'm so sorry." Tears begin to well in his eyes. An unbearable amount of guilt creeps up on him when it happens. She must think he's pathetic, always needing to be reminded of who is.

"Come to bed." She tells him as she pulls him with her. They lay over the covers wrapped in each others arms. He breathes her in remembering everything about her. Maybe one day he'll get through a night without having to wake her with his episodes, as they've began to call them.

After moments of silence she looks up at him as she traces a scar on his shoulder. He'd removed his shirt due to the heat he'd be radiating from his nightmare. "You don't need to apologize." She tells him. "This is a part of who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. I will never stop bringing you back to me. I love you Killian and I'll never let you get lost in that head of yours." She pushes his hair to the side, but he pulls her into him before she can complete the act. His dark hair falling over his eyes as he places a light kiss on her lips, his good hand finding the small of her back.

"I love you too." Is all Killian can say when their mouths reluctantly part from each others. She spins around so his body shapes hers. They fit perfectly. It's as if they're meant to be together, which of course they are.

"Close your eyes and hold on to me. Remember you're not alone. Not anymore."

Killian tucks her into himself closing any space left between them and for the first time in a long time he feels like this might actually stick. "It's real. It's real. It's real..." He whispers to himself until sleep takes him.

Killian wakes up an hour later with the nightmare fresh in his mind. "Not real." He whispers.


End file.
